i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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