I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
