I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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