did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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