I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
