The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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