My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
