Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
