i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
