I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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