I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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