So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
