Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
