I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
