I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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