you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
