How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
