me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
