If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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