that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
