I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
