my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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