My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
