You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
