Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
