The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
