In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
