Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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