i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
