Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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