20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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