Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Fuck appropriateness.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
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There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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