PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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