Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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