So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
