your room smells of hookers.
And success
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
