How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
