i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
