Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
