My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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