I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize