Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
