I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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