a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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