Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
