Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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