I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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