he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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