I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
