i can't believe i had my finger in that
There r osticjed everywhere
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
