And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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