If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
