If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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