Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
