It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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