can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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