phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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