she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
