Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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