I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
