My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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