Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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